We can buy you a new one, use that one to break the fall, save the ice cream. And he fucks all three up in a spectacular fashion? Like, as a rational adult, you go drop the balloon. And while heвЂ™s running home, I just go, вЂNah, come on!вЂ™ And because heвЂ™s young and stupid, he doesnвЂ™t know whether to prioritize theВ ice cream, the balloon or his face. HeвЂ™s just so excited, but the thing is heвЂ™s also a very good older brother, and recently his little sisterВ had to come home from school because she wasnвЂ™tВ feeling well, and his first thought, when he sees all of this extra ice cream on his birthday, isnвЂ™t to have it all to himself, itвЂ™s to runВ home and share it with his baby sister. ThereвЂ™s two flakes in there вЂ™cause heвЂ™s a greedy little cunt. вЂ™Cause itвЂ™s his birthday, his parents were like, вЂGo nuts!вЂ™ He did, the ice cream stacked up precariously high. It says вЂnine.вЂ™ HeвЂ™s a got a balloon, a big stupid grin on his face, вЂ™cause the world hasnвЂ™t fucked him yet. IвЂ™ve never done it, and I never will вЂ™cause IВ can tell you on a thousand different levels why that is a horrific thing to do to an innocent child, but IвЂ™d be lying if I were to say I didnвЂ™t know detail by detail every part of that endeavor IвЂ™d enjoy. I know what this says about me, but all IВ have to do to cheer myself up is just to picture any child under the age of ten with an ice cream and just imagine just fucking tripping him up. You canвЂ™t honestly tell me you see a kitten and no part of your brain goes, вЂKick it.вЂ™ You never do, for the voice is always there very confidently going, вЂBet you can get it over the fence.вЂ™ Like if I ever need to cheer myself up, like if IвЂ™m ever sad or on a bus, those things are very related. I donвЂ™t trustВ people with not having an evil voice in their head. I would therefore argue if you are a naturally good person, I am a better person than you are, because for you to be good, you donвЂ™t have to go through a struggle. I go against my natural instinct to be good. I never acted them!ДЇor me, I would argue thatвЂ™s conscious goodness. IвЂ™m not comfortable with who I am as aВ human being, because sometimes I have these evil thoughts. Some of the thoughts I have genuinely disturb me. Yes, we can all agree, the wrong things, but passionateВ nonetheless, like a trueВ artist. Just the same, you know, passion that he had. Obviously not the same things Hitler hated. But sometimes, when IвЂ™m alone in my head, sometimes Hitler. From my mouth, IвЂ™m an incredibly polite human being, because I know thatвЂ™s the way you have to be. They never hear whatвЂ™s going on in myВ head, and those are two hugely differentВ things, by the way. If you were to ask my friends, theyвЂ™d say I was a good person and I understand why that is, itвЂ™s because they only ever hear whatВ comes out of my mouth. Like, you ever met those fucking weirdos that are like, вЂIs there any better feeling than just doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and knowing that youвЂ™ve made their whole day?вЂ™ Yeah, giving them the wrong directions. I donвЂ™t give a shit.вЂ™ IвЂ™m not sure if I'm a good person. I was in Berlin, and they were like, вЂWe didnвЂ™t do it. Just so youвЂ™re aware of your current standing. вЂњIвЂ™m just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that IвЂ™d like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? That is terrifyingly low.

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